Happiness vs Fulfillment
What they don't teach us about joy.
Newsletter | January 2024
I want to share a concept that needs a little time to percolate. [At least, it did for me.] So, try to keep an open mind for now and, if you feel any skepticism come up, just know you’re not alone. 😉
Looking ahead to this new year, I want to talk about happiness vs fulfillment… aka JOY.*
*Caveat #2: The word “joy” felt loaded to me in the past… like, Hallmark Special: over-used and syrupy. So, if this term doesn’t resonate, just know I’m talking about a feeling deeper than “happy.”
I had a happy life. My 20’s were spent laughing with friends over sugary cocktails and dancing. Working hard during the week to play harder over the weekend.
In my 30’s, this matured into game nights, trips out of town, and “fancy” wine tastings. I proudly drank expensive whiskey and a bottle of red with dinner.
I didn’t “love” my career, but it paid the bills. My priority at the time was to make enough money to live comfortably, save for the future, and “enjoy the little things.”
I used to say that a lot—that the little things were the best. A good cup of coffee in the morning. A delicious meal with friends. A nice bottle of wine…
This motto still holds true, but my definition has shifted. I can see in hindsight that I was simply following the bread crumbs of dopamine… as we are biologically programmed to do… and, because so many of my “little things” involved an artificially high dopamine supply (from booze, especially) this led me down a treacherous path.
I didn’t know the difference between “switches” and “seeds” back then... and I was leaning almost entirely on the former.
"Switches" are immediate, "quick hit" sources of pleasure: Coffee. Chocolate. Wine. Netflix. …these are all “FEEL BETTER NOW” type things.
Important note: All of the brilliant, silly, beautiful conversations with friends happening in the background were incredible sources of happiness on their own… but, since I stacked alcohol on top of every single event, the pleasure of connecting with friends became enmeshed with the artificial dopamine spike of booze.
As humans, everything we do is to feel a certain way. …and a majority of the time, we’re looking to feel “better.”
Understandable, right?
(Also: biological. 🤓)
But, relying only on switches without also planting long-term SEEDS for fulfillment creates a precarious position:
One must CONSTANTLY seek these little quick hits of happiness because the results don’t last very long…
You have some chocolate and you feel good! …for a moment… but, even as you’re finishing the bar, that happy feeling is starting to wane, and you start scanning for something else to give you a lift.
If you see yourself in any of this, please know:
1. You’re SO not alone, and
2. Our society has literally TRAINED YOU to behave this way!
We’re constantly being PELTED with commercial messaging, billboards, ads, media, movies, influencers telling us that THIS THING will make you happy! Don’t forget THIS OTHER THING! …and not to mention the dopamine-slot-machines we all carry in our pockets now in the shape of an iPhone Q (or whatever the latest version is). 🙄
It’s a setup.
And all of those artificial highs soon push the smaller, more natural sources of happiness out of the picture, because they eventually pale in comparison.*
*The neuroscience behind this process is fascinating - I'll talk more about this later.
But the good news?
You’ve got incredible agency here! Once you understand these behind-the-scenes systems, you can actually choose to change them!
The process looks a little something like this:
Take a break from alcohol: the biggest culprit in this system imbalance
Give your system the chance to clear out and reset to its [natural] factory settings
Identify some new switches that you can use for those moments of FEEL BETTER NOW! There’s a ton of these, but they might not seem obvious at the start: Switches can look like stepping outside; taking a few deep breaths; running a hot bath or even better: a cold shower! Music can change your mood quickly, so can funny videos of cats (which, if you ask me, remains the true purpose of the internet)
Start planting SEEDS for long-term balance. This could be starting a daily gratitude practice; slowly building a sustainable exercise routine; looking at the bigger picture of your life and starting to step away from the things that drain you... allowing yourself to be pulled towards what actually energizes you! Seeds take time to nurture and grow, but have a huge impact on baseline mood.
Start to experience a feeling of calm, grounded… joy. Discover a sense of fulfillment as you start and end each day… even amidst stress and the general messiness of life. —> That doesn’t go away. …but, your perspective changes and you can manage the hard times with your head held high.
You find more confidence in being.
Less precarious chasing.
And this transformation doesn’t need to take an eternity! It’s different for everyone, but I started to feel a shift within a matter of weeks…
This is not just about “removing booze” and going about your “business as usual.” There’s other work involved; new information required; new tools and habits created to not only help you feel better now… but to move your life in a whole new direction.
💗 You can find balance.
💗 You can feel better.
💗 And you can wake up feeling excited about the day ahead.
Now into my 40’s, I feel solid. calm. and happy. …but not that surface-level happiness of the past. This is more like a deep sense of fulfillment that ripples out to touch every aspect of my life.
No matter your age—it’s never too late.
And it’s never too soon.
What switches and seeds are you using!? I'd love to know!
Reach out and share some of your go-to mood-changers or tools you use to feel-better-now...
Or let me know if you could use some new ideas?
Wishing you true, resounding joy.
💗 Jamie
Ready to learn more!?
➡️ Check out my self-guided course!
And change your relationship with alcohol in just 6 weeks.
